Modern Love I

Soundtrack: Modern Love - Matt Nathanson

She said this talking
Kind of wears me out
And all these salesmen
Baby, make me tired


They're no good, to tell you the truth, she said
I've been gettin' used to liars
They send me love songs , with store bought words
They make promises, like politicians
We stumble
And disconnect
Over and over again


This modern love is not enough
She said, watch your back
I'm nobody's girlfriend
This modern love is not enough
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
They said one big exhale never did me no -- good


I'd let em in, I
Oh man, I'd let 'em win
I'd burn my house down
Just to hear them scream my name
I've carried hopes
And heavy daydreams she said
But I'm done with sleeping
Take the phone calls
Take this circus
Take the drama, cause baby it's worthless


This modern love is not enough
She said, watch your back
I'm nobody's girlfriend
This modern love is not enough
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
They said one big exhale never did me no, good
One big exhale never did me no good


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Let's be honest, this song should have been my theme song for the last two years; two years of which I never spent more than three consecutive months at a time in the United States.

If you know me, even just a little bit, you'll know that I'd make a terrible girlfriend. Between my wanderlust, inability to commit, and workaholic tendencies... it'd be terrible to date me. Trust me. 

"... it's impossible to date you."
"if things were different... if we were in the same place...."
"you're only goal is to travel the world and.... "
"... you're not the type to settle down..."
"you're not running from anything this time right?"
"stay still, for just a second..."


Is it always my fault?To tell you the truth? It's almost reassuring at times that I'm the one at fault for all the failed attempts at romance. I owed no one allegiance, loyalty, commitment, or trust. No excuses. No reasons for my inability to stay in touch. No explanation for this overwhelming desire to keep moving forward, faster, flying. Life flows by. No pain, no regrets.

To meander aimlessly through lighted city streets, up mountain paths, or down airplane aisles. To flip through my passport with passing fancies about my next destination. To spend time with friends - city to city - one adventure after the next. Flings and friendships formed, without a thought as to whether we'll both be in each other's tomorrow. Freedom to flirt and enjoy a stranger's conversation, to fall in 'love' simply for the chase. To pick myself up again during a game of tag and run. I wasn't necessarily running away from attachments, I just never stayed long enough in one place to form anything significant.

I was happy by myself, truly.


"I'm not looking for a relationship..."
"I don't want a boyfriend..."
"I can't have anything serious..."


When did those words start to slip so easily off my tongue? Some time between China and France, most likely some time mid-flight over the Pacific or at a layover in Kuala Lumpur. During a sunset over the mountains of Borneo or mid-cigarette in September.

Just because I was up front with my intentions, doesn't free myself from all blame. Just because I was honest, never meant I was left without a sense of guilt. I'm nobody's girlfriend. Right? I thought.

Chalk it up to self-preservation. If I keep traveling then it's not me, it was the situation. Neither person was to blame. If we like each other, why not? Right. Isn't that enough? I thought.

Heartbreaker, player, flirt, tease, and more than once? "undateable". Right. I thought.

Another summer in Taiwan can't prove me wrong. Right? I thought.

But now? I'm tampering with thoughts as I tread, slowly sink, and become totally engulfed. There is no good reason. At this point in our lives, we're not meant to be in relationships. Right. I thought.

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So...where do I even start in approaching a situation where -- say, I actually enjoy someone's company -- long enough to form some attachment?

Good question.