Let's talk anxiety, just you and me

Exaggerated resumes, half-written cover letters, and half baked grad school applications.

I'm completely drowning in expectations and unsung praise. 

Divided between career directions, where free advice is worth as much as it cost you... because ultimately, it's your life.

I want to know.
                I want to know where I'll be in five years.
                                Do you remember when a five year, ten year, 

                                                              and forever plan was only a distant calling?

I want to believe that everything will be okay.
I want to believe in myself.

Knowledge and belief. 
I want faith to be a verb.

I want to understand why next year is so frightening. Why is it -- that when college ends -- I'm suddenly lost. Wasn't all of college a prep session for the real world? Oh wait, John Mayer had it right? There IS no real world?

             

What were people's expectations of college, again?
     Self-discovery, sexual exuberance, with a dash of lime and salt.
But really, why did you go to college again?
     To learn, equip yourself with practical skills. To answer questions.
                                               
But, of course we make things difficult -- and for every question we answer, three take their place. Should I have majored in something else? Should I have tried harder in that class? A-'s are probably THE most frustrating grades to receive. My parents were right? I should've studied to be a doctor, lawyer, insert safe-bet life decision? Wait, am I as smart as I think I am? Wait, more important, am I smart enough to do what I want? I'm selfish, immature, and entirely too self absorbed. Why do I even think I can make a decision for myself?  

A soul can hardly rest easy with doubt - which arguably, is more difficult to deal with than grief. I want these doubts to go away.

It's true when they say that our generation -- that we are the most hopeful, the most optimistic -- despite the job market, global financial crisis, and despondent reactions to international conflicts and problems. With such naivety, optimism, and idealistic goals -- are we ready to turn into stone-cold cynics?  Is it easier to close your eyes and see only the good -- or to emotionally preserve yourself and see only the bad? I want to find that balance between optimism and healthy dose of cynicism.

I remember ...

When I had no plans for next week, let alone next year.
When being stranded in a foreign country was a real concern, that didn't really concern me.
When the idea of stability was undesirable.
When impermanence was a way of life.

I really have no point to this post.
But maybe that was the point.

I want, to stop wanting.

Just -- someone -- anyone -- let me find peace.
Amen.